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Your "voice interface" is fucking stupid.

tyler@linux.com published on 23 January 2008 Recently the bank that financed my car switched their phone payment systems over from their more traditional "press a number to do stuff" to a "talk to a computer and try to do stuff" interface, and my reluctance to pay my car payments has increased tenfold.

Before they switched the phone interface, I almost had the correct sequence of numbers to press entirely memorized to where I could press 3-5 numbers in sequence and be done with my "payment session" in under two minutes. Meaning in a matter of two minutes, I could initiate a transaction from my checking account, to send almost $300 to Chase, in two minutes. I hated losing the money, but I loved the efficiency.

Recently however, they've "pulled a Vista" and replaced a wonderfully functional system that "got the job done" with a bloated, slow and buggy system that infuriates me everytime I need to talk to the computerized woman at the other end of the line. A rapid mashing of touch-tone keys on my phone has been replaced with:

PaymentBot: Welcome to Chase Auto Finance!

*pause*

PaymentBot: If you would like to make a payment, say "make a payment." If you would like to check your payoff balance, say "payoff balance." If you would like to blow a goat, say "baaaaaaaa."

Tyler-Unit: make a payment

PaymentBot: It looks like you want to make a payment, if this is correct say "yes."

Tyler-Unit: yes (at this point I'm usually irritated that I've past the two minute mark)

PaymentBot: First I need to find your account, please say your account number or your social security number, or enter them into the phone

Tyler-Unit: *mashes on keys*

PaymentBot: The number you entered was 1-2-3--4-5--5-6-5-4, if this is correct, say "yes."

Tyler-Unit: YES

PaymentBot: I'm sorry, I didn't catch that, if the number you entered: 1-2-3--4-5--5-6-5-4 is correct, say "yes."

Tyler-Unit: YES

PaymentBot: Okay, if you would like to make a payment over the phone, say "phone." If you would like to make a payment via mail, say "mail."

I could continue, but I won't .

Just to get to the point where I finally need to enter my payment details (because Chase couldn't update their system to, god-forbid, remember the same information I've been mashing into a keypad for the past two years) takes close to five to eight minutes.

Between the various financial institutions that I need to deal with every month I get to fight with terrible websites, miserable phone interfaces and idiot-customer service representatives, it almost makes me regret being fiscally responsible (our government isn't, why should I have to?). I'm hoping there's a special portion of hell reserved for whichever numbnuts in middle-management at Chase decided "OMG! Voice interfaces are TOTALLY kewl!!!!!"

Are there means of consolidating smaller (think below $10,000) loans from one bank to another? While it's pretty obvious that Chase can effectively handle its finances, they certainly can't handle "user-experience", if your customers' only interaction with you as a company is over the phone, or over snail-mail, it's usually in your best interest to make sure those "interfaces" to your customers are top-notch.

I hate voice interfaces.